Can anyone tell me where I can find a good old fashion 'joke shop' these days? You know, the type of place where you can buy such things as stink bombs and rubber spiders on elasticated string. I cant remember the last time I saw such an emporium of tomfoolery but I need to find one quick so that I can buy myself a 'water pistol'....
Why do I want a water pistol you might ask?.... I want a water pistol to help me cope with the amazingly hot weather we are currently experiencing. How will a little plastic toy help me cope with glorious sunshine and temperatures in the 80's?....Well actually before I tell you what I need it for I think I'll just do a quick upgrade to one of those big brightly coloured pump action water guns that you see kids playing with. The one's that can shoot out half a gallon of water with just a couple of pulls on the trigger.
My plan once I get my new gun is to conceal it inside my jacket Clint Eastwood style in readiness for the next person who dares to utter those most ridiculous of words "It's too hot!" I swear that once I'm tooled up and fully loaded anyone moaning about the weather within my earshot will get an instant 'cooling down' as I drench them with ice cold water!
We live in a country that in my view has a brilliant and varied climate of four distinct seasons where Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter all bring their own unique weather patterns. During the course of a year we get rain, wind, snow, sleet, fog and of course warm sunshine from time to time. It's called the British Climate and it comes every year so why are we so surprised and ill prepared when it snows in the winter and why after months of cool wet weather do we (not me) begin to complain that "It's too hot" having moaned on for the previous 10 months that it's too wet, cold, windy etc, etc?
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! and bloody well get on with your life and enjoy the summer that you have been predicting will never come. We are lucky enough to have in Britain lush green countrysides, lakes, rivers and forests. We have National Parks, views and Waterways that are all the more vibrant because of our climate and it may be that too many of us take it all for granted instead of appreciating the beauty of where we are so lucky to live. It may be that we feel that we have to live up to our image of 'moaning Brits' or 'whinging Poms' as the Australians would say and sadly it's a well earned image when you look at the evidence....
One of my customers at work is an American who has lived in this country for a number of years now and it made me laugh the other day when he declared "I must have been over here too long because I now find myself talking about 'the weather'!
You see! no where else in the world does the whole population share just the one topic of conversation and I don't just mean as an ice breaker to start a conversation. The weather is all over the TV and newspapers be it good, bad or indifferent....
"TRAINS CANCELLED DUE TO WRONG TYPE OF SNOW"
"TRAINS CANCELLED DUE TO LEAVES ON THE LINE"
"PHEW IT'S A SCORCHER!!!" (With a picture of Chantelle 19, from Sidcup enjoying the beach at Margate).
"HAY FEVER SUFFERERS RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"
All this nonsense dominates our news while there are far more important and news worthy things going on around the world and I suppose the reason I'm fed up of all the moaning is because today I let my guard down and finally got caught up in all the 'heatwave hysteria'.
There I was out and about in Bolton this morning when I saw a headline jumping out at me from the local paper...'WARM WEATHER THEFT WARNING' ....apparently house burglaries are on the increase since the weather got hot because people are leaving windows open and the burglars are seizing the increased opportunity's to get in our houses in order to relieve us of our 'hard earned' and the headline stopped me in my tracks as for the life of me I could not remember if I had indeed closed all the windows before I came out. I raced back to my car and stupidly drove at break neck speeds only to get home to find that yes, I had locked up properly after all...as I always do!
So can we all agree that instead of moaning about getting what we have all been asking for we start to appreciate it because before too long we will be digging out the hats, scarves and wellies in readiness for the winter months that we will spend wishing it was summer....
I'm off now to Google 'Local joke shops'....
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