LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT IS EASY!

Do you believe in love at first sight? I’m not really sure if I do or not.  I suppose this phenomenon could depend on who or what you are falling in love with when you first see it or them? I think the definition of love needs to be brought into consideration here in order to really answer the question.  At times like this I like to consult my trusty Dictionary & Thesaurus and having just done that I’m now very confused as to whether or not falling in love at first sight is possible.

Here are some of the definitions of love and you will see why I’m struggling with this……warm affection, sexual passion, whole hearted liking for something, feeling a strong emotional (and sexual) attraction for, cherish, hold dear, idolize, worship, savour, desire, caress, cuddle, embrace, fondle ….and the list goes on and on and can also mean a nil score in tennis by the way!

Now looking at some of the definitions above I would say that it is certainly possible to fall in love at first sight with, let’s say a huge cream gateaux in the window of your favourite cake shop.  Desire, caress, fondle and savour could definitely apply here too but if I were to apply those same definitions to a raven haired beauty I spotted in a nightclub I most likely would end up being escorted off the premises to a waiting police vehicle and that’s without even resorting to embracing and sexual passion!

Love at first site is a commonly used phrase and I’m beginning to think it’s a phrase that’s bandied around far too easily unless you are indeed talking about cream cakes or Ferrari s’.  But then again cuddling and fondling a Ferrari that belonged to someone else could see you taking the short walk to the waiting Police vehicle again so I’m still confused!

Maybe we need to take a couple of steps back here and say that desire or lust at first sight is certainly possible but surely in order to really love someone you need to know them?  How can you idolise and worship someone you don’t know?  I don’t believe you can.  I have seen stories of people who claim to love, idolise and worship someone they have never even met but that’s usually in the form of a front page story in the Sunday papers after the restraining order has been served on the besotted individual who is then dubbed a stalker!   I believe a lot of people confuse initial animal passion with true love.  Hey don’t get me wrong animal passion is great and a fantastic way of getting things started and it’s brilliant if you can maintain it throughout a long relationship but real and lasting love is so much more than just an urgent need to get inside each other’s pants at every opportunity.  For me real love is unconditional.  Real love sticks around when the going gets tough.  Real love is there for the long haul and doesn't sling its hook because the journey through life has had to take a detour across unexpected bumpy terrain.

Love at first sight is easy if indeed that’s what it is.  At first sight there are only positives, no complications or challenges, just two people falling in love and it’s a great way that the Universe has developed for matching us up to our ‘Soul Mate’ but then we need to take the reins from there and build on the foundations to create real and solid love.  Yes you have to work at building a loving relationship... maybe work is too strong a word because if you have to work too hard then maybe you are with the wrong person but you certainly need to nurture your new found love pretty much like a gardener nurtures and tends a beautiful garden in order to bring it out in all its vibrant, colourful glory.

When I first met Trudie more than 30 years, ago she was that raven haired beauty in the night club and all the definitions of love certainly applied for both of us that night.  I reckon I could have got away with some embracing and fondling, without being escorted to the Police car but chose instead to be the perfect gentleman and controlled my lust.  I think I knew deep down that there would be plenty of time in the future for passion and so our relationship began....

It was young love without complications or problems. It was easy and happy go lucky love that grew with each day that we knew each other more. There were no plans for the future as we enjoyed each moment as it came.  It was so, so easy to be in love and it was as if we were the only two people in the world.

We were at the getting to know each other stage of our lives without commitments to mortgages, bills or anything long term. The furthest we looked ahead was planning which club or party we would be going to next weekend or where we would go on holiday next summer.  Love on that basis is easy.  Love on that basis takes no effort because to you the other person has no fault’s, they are perfect in every way. There is not a thing in the world they could do or say that could even remotely irritate or bug you.

Because young love like that is so perfect it’s easy to see why couples decide that they want to spend the rest of their lives together.  They can’t imagine life being anything other than the perfect joy and bliss they are experiencing at that moment in time and the lifetime commitment to marriage seems to be the obvious next step.  They want the feelings they have for each other to last forever and of course that’s only natural.  No one gets married while their new found relationship is ‘a little bit iffy’ with the idea that they can grow into a loving couple with time, do they?  Well I would hope not, surely it’s the other way round because if the relationship is not strong to start with how can you cope with the stresses and strains of life that will surely come along to test your resolve in the future?

I’m beginning to answer my own question here and I’m going with the theory that love at first sight does not exist and here’s my reasoning….

I've already said that I met Trudie nearly 30 years ago but as it happens she had actually spotted me some time before.  She was walking down the high street in Preston with her girlfriends and pointed me out to them and proclaimed that she was going to marry me!  I don’t know exactly when she saw me and certainly I had no idea that she was planning a trip to Pronuptia to look at wedding dresses or I might have set about getting the restraining order served on her there and then but one thing I know for sure is that because I was out in town I would have been spruced and preened and looking and acting my best.  I’m a good looking (and as I keep saying a modest) guy so Trudie could be excused for thinking she had fallen in love with me at first sight but let’s imagine a slightly different scenario had taken place….

What if in the imaginary scenario when Trudie first spotted me I was picking my nose, scratching my arse, belching and farting (not that it would ever happen but go with me on this)….  Would she have been so quick to point me out as the man of her dreams to her mates and announce her new found love?  I don’t think so!  Yet fast forward 30 years to now, and imagine we are walking through town together and we bump into the same friends and after those 30 years I am still busy picking my nose, scratching my arse, belching and farting, is she going to pretend that I’m not with her?  Is she going to make out like she doesn't know me? No she would not.  She may be bloody annoyed and no doubt embarrassed but she would own up to being with me because she has grown to love me over 30 years in spite of my (imaginary) appalling habits.

Do you see where I’m coming from with this?  Real love is when you love someone as they say ‘warts and all’ and I’m not saying it’s ok to behave like a complete slob in front of your partner because she loves you come what may, I’m purely demonstrating that another old adage is true, the one that says ‘to know me is to love me'.

I’m being light-hearted and frivolous here in order to make a point but let’s get serious for a while…

This loving the person you know thing is a two way street.  You both have to get to know each other because if it’s only working in one direction then the relationship is doomed to failure.  In the scenario I painted earlier where I was acting like a slob in front of Trudie’s friends I said she would in the main overlook my appalling behaviour because she had grown to love and accept me for who I am over 30 years. However in that 30 years I should have grown to love and know her well enough to realise that behaving in that way would upset her (no shit Sherlock! But you know what I mean).

I’m not saying you have to live your life by the other person’s rules.  Far from it and I will talk more about that another time but I am saying that with true love grows a respect and understanding for your partner’s likes and dislikes and your behaviour towards each other harmonises to a mutual satisfaction to the point where you both act the way you want to as individuals without upsetting or offending the other person.  I’m not saying you become ‘as one’ either, because it’s your differences that attract you to each other and keeps things interesting. I’m saying share the same experiences as different people…. two individuals who find each other interesting, fun and exciting to be around.  Two individuals who know each other well enough to know what makes the other tick. Two individuals who know each other well enough to be able to make the other happy and find that making the other one happy gives you a great feeling of achievement and satisfaction.

The best thing I get from making Trudie happy is the payback of how good it makes me feel!  Just think about that for a moment….making the person you love most in the world happy makes you feel happy.  It’s the exact opposite to a vicious circle and you know what?... It comes back to you tenfold as the other person reciprocates and you have two opposites to a vicious circle (I’ll have to find a name for it, a happy sphere maybe?) intertwined!  How good is that!?  It’s brilliant but it doesn't just happen, you have to pay attention to what’s going on in your relationship.  You have to know what makes your partner happy and the way you do that is by getting to know them.  Ask yourself what on the face of it may sound like a really silly question but here goes…do you talk to your partner?  I mean really talk as in meaningful conversations?

The reason I ask is because of something I see far too often usually in restaurants....  Couples out together for a meal where there is just the two of them sitting and eating in complete silence or just exchanging the odd words such as “pass the salt please”.  I've seen old couples like this looking thoroughly fed up with each other’s company as if they have completely given up on each other after 40 or 50 years of being together. I've seen middle aged couples who look as though they are out together simply as a way of being away from the kids for a while and I've seen young couples who are more interested in texting on their mobiles as opposed to talking to the person sat right there in front of them.

I’m not exaggerating here I see it all the time and have to wonder if on a night out where you specially set aside time to be together, if you are not talking, then when do you really communicate with each other?  You have set aside quality time away from work, away from the kids and you have nothing to say to each other? That’s not working at a relationship, that’s being lazy in a relationship and the idea of ‘let’s go out for a meal’ becomes just a token gesture, something you think you maybe should do because you are a couple.  If you are going to sit there in silence you may just as well have gone to the cinema where silence is appropriate or simply stayed at home slumped in front of the TV.  Don’t let it get to that and if it has it’s never too late to change things for the better.

The old couples in the restaurant must have years of brilliant memories to share if they put their minds to it and you are never too old for romance.  The middle aged couples can talk about the kids they left at home and complement each other on the wonderful job they have done in bringing them up and talk about the great times they have had as a family.  The young couples need to put away the iPhones and start getting to know each other properly in order to plan the wonderful future they will spend together.

What’s the first thing you want to do when you first meet somebody you fancy? You want to get to know them in order to develop the relationship. You also want them to find out who you are, you want to impress and naturally as human beings we work hard to create a great impression in order to get close to the person we want.  We talk and flirt and entertain. We take care with how we look and behave in an effort to create the best impression we possibly can to someone we hardly know.  In short we do whatever it takes to get them.  So why then all too often in too many relationships do we stop making the same effort as when we were strutting around like Peacocks in the early months and years?

Why does the person you grow to know now deserve less of an effort on your part?  Why should we succumb to apathy or laziness in our relationships? How can it be right to take your partner for granted the more you get to know and love them?  Surely it should be the other way round where you want to give more and more of yourself as you fall deeper and deeper in love with that special person?

You know the saying ‘You’re as young as you feel’? Well I think the same can be said of a relationship. You can keep a relationship young and fresh by maintaining the same mind set as you had when you first got together.  I don’t mean you have to act like the oldest swingers in town and get your selves down to the disco (not that they call them that now) every Friday. I mean stay interested in each other. Unless you are joined at the hip you will both be leading separate lives, working at different places, meeting different people every day and having different experiences, so how often do you really talk to each other about your day and who you met and who did and said what?

You will have different moods and feelings about all manner of subjects and topics in life so how often do you sit and discuss how each of you is feeling or do you both just take it for granted that all is fine and dandy with your other half so there’s no real reason to talk?

On a personal level my conversations with Trudie now are far more interesting than the conversations we used to have on first knowing each other all those years ago because unlike then I really know who she is now.  I know her likes and dislikes and what makes her tick.  Likewise she knows the same about me and though you may think that knowing each other so well means there’s nothing to talk about quite the opposite is true.  There’s always something to chat about or discuss and even now after thirty years we still find out new things about each other and when that happens it’s really mind blowing!

BOYS TO MEN....

It's holiday time again and the kids (and teachers) are off school for a whole 6 and a bit weeks. Jaja is absolutely loving it...not because he hates school any more than the next kid but he's reveling in the fact that for the next month and a half he is 'a free agent', 'off the hook' and (within reason) 'his own man'!...Free to do whatever he chooses, whenever he chooses regardless of time constraints, agendas or deadlines. Please don't read this as 'bad parents letting their child run wild without supervision' because it's nothing of the sort, we just trust him to use his own internal guidance system and common sense and he's developed a knack of always doing the right thing. If ever he's not sure what action to take in any given circumstance he's not too big for his boots to come and ask Mum & Dad what to do?... and we just love that about him!

All this 'free-ness' has made me realise how his growing up has afforded more time to Trudie and me as day by day it becomes more and more apparent that our 'Baby Boy' is fast becoming a man and where as in the past the summer holidays meant we had to co-ordinate a 6 week child minding programme that was far more technical than any of his school time tables, involving Grand Parents and re-arranged work schedules we are now able to enjoy a much more relaxed summer.

Both Trudie and I have said at every stage of Jaja's life "Oh this is the best time yet"....Obviously when he arrived all new and shiny as a bouncing baby that was the best time because after 12 years of trying we wondered if we would ever be blessed with a baby. As he began to toddle around and talk that was the best time because he was now 'interactive'. When he started Junior school then High school and guitar lessons, again these were the best times as each new stage in his life came along bringing more facets to his developing personality.

As a parent I get great satisfaction from watching how my son's life is unfolding in front of him, knowing that I am playing a part and contributing towards him having a wonderful life. Trudie will tell anyone who wants to know (and many who don't) that "He's the nicest person I know"... but I don't think she takes anywhere near enough credit for guiding him that way because after all that she endured just to have him she could be excused if she tended to 'mollycoddle' him but I take my hat off to her (well I would if I wore a hat) as I stand back and admire how she perfectly balances the multiple roles of Mother, friend, nurse (when required) and teacher to him while being the perfect wife to me. Though that said the day she gave birth to the best thing that ever happened to me was 'job done' as far as I'm concerned....I could ask for nothing more...

Today I had a day off work and just a few years ago that would have meant relieving Grandma &Grandad from their duties and taking Jaja to the park to play on the swings and slides...how times change....this morning we went to the gym for a workout together, now aged 14 he's taller than I am and he's building a great set of 'guns' and the biggest indication of his growing maturity was the fact that we didn't need to fight over who was going to shower first...it was me, not because I was pulling seniority rank but because he likes to have his shave before he showers.  This really is the best time...but I guess this wont be the last time I ever say that...    

THIS IS A MAN'S WORLD...or is it?

The 'God Father of Soul' James Brown declared in one of his classic songs "This is a man's world....but it would mean nothing without a woman or a girl" The song then goes on to attribute all the works of modern civilisation to 'Man' and throws in the examples of the car, train and electric light as all being 'Man made'. The line about it 'meaning nothing without a woman or a girl' on face value sounds patronizing to women as it gives them a bit part supporting role in the running of the world.
The song was written in February 1966 and at the time Rolling Stone magazine branded the lyrics as "Biblically chauvinistic! It's only when you come to realise that the lyrics were actually written by Brown's then partner 'Betty Jean Newsome' that it starts to become apparent that in 1966 this indeed was the 'way of the world'.
'Newsome' says she wrote the lyrics based on her observations of the relations between the sexes at that time....

Fast forward to July 2013 and we can see how dramatically things have changed....Last night the winner of this years 'The Apprentice' was revealed, as Leah beat Luisa into 2nd place and the other finalist Francesca went out last week. That's right, 3 women in the final, flying the flag for female entrepreneurs everywhere with the men beaten out of sight and this was a point not missed by Karen Brady who herself is probably the best example of all of a woman thriving in a so called 'Mans World'. For the past 20 years she has been involved at the very top end of an industry that is still regarded as one of the last bastion of maleness....'football' where she has been 'MD' of Birmingham City and 'Vice Chairman' of West Ham United.

In 1966 when Betty Jean Newsome wrote the lyrics to 'It's a Man's Man's Man's World', England were winning The Football World Cup and I bet there was not a woman within a mile radius of the team changing rooms if you discount the 'tea lady' and it was still to be 3 years before Karen Brady was even born. Now we see her presiding over proceedings as the women of  'The Apprentice' flex their business muscles to the point where poor old Jason was beaten into submission by Luisa and chose to 'fall on his sword' in the now infamous 'Abdication' episode! To date there have been 11 female finalists in the show and only 7 men which is another indication that the girls are coming out fighting.

There are more and more examples of powerful women in real life and by that I mean away from our TV screens. I work for Moss Bros and we are Mens' Outfitters as well as Mens' Wedding Hire Specialists and most of the top jobs in our company are held by women who have proven that they are the best person for the position.

I know a lot of men who like poor old Jason feel threatened and intimidated by strong women but times have moved on from 1966 and who knows, in years to come our Grandchildren could be listening to a soul songstress of the future crooning about it being 'A Womans' World'?... Sex should no longer be a consideration in deciding who get's what job and if that means a woman is the best man for the job then so be it!    

 

"YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND!"

Anyone who knows me personally or anyone who has read my blog will know that I have co-authored with Trudie my wife the book 'Dreams Do Come True'  http://dreamsdocometrueuk.co.uk which was published a couple of years ago. The book is basically the story of our lives and homes in on significant events and occurrences of the last 30 years. We talk about how we came to be together before our long struggle to conceive a baby and the effect that had on our relationship. We open up about the reasons for the financial problems we encountered over the years that culminated in me being made bankrupt in 2009 and having just had a quick look back at what I've just written I could forgive you for thinking... 'What a bloody dreary read that book must be! Instead I'll just go out and buy: ' The 10 Best Ways To Top Yourself....(A Beginners Guide To Ending It All) because it will be a lot quicker and far less painful than working my way through what sounds like a slow torturous death by reading!

But honestly the book is not all doom & gloom because we have actually had some fun and good times along our journey which we have written about in a humorous way and come to think of it we also wrote about a lot of the 'tragedies' and 'mishaps' that have come our way with even more misplaced humor and tongue in cheeked-ness! (I just made that word up) and many people have actually used descriptive's such as 'very funny' and 'hilarious' when reviewing it.

In order to pen a book about your life story you have to cast your mind back in time and relive everything that has brought you to where you are now. I found it quite easy to remember the more significant moments because they are the times that elicited strong emotions both then and now  thus enhancing my powers of recall enabling me to write in detail about things that happened many years ago and I include in that the high points as well as the not so high's.

Reading a summary of my 50 years on this planet over 280 pages has had a profound effect on me as I can clearly see how 'Lloyd Thompson' has evolved. Most significant to me is the realisation that up until a few years ago I thought like the majority of people that life and circumstances 'just 'happen' to us all., Good things happen, bad things happen and plenty in between and we just have to accept whatever fate decides to dish out to us and do our best to manage our lives accordingly. But I've discovered that belief was so very far from how life really unfolds not just for me but for everyone on this planet....

I have changed (for the better) more as a person in the last two years than I have over the previous 50, since I discovered and started to understand how 'The Universal Law of Attraction' works in all our lives whether we know it or indeed believe it or not. I am by no means an expert on the subject and in fact would rather describe myself as a 'scholar' in the subject but I have already learned and accept the basic principle of the law that says: That which is like unto itself, is drawn. You may know it as: Birds of a feather flock together.
To gain a basic understanding of the Law of Attraction, see yourself as a magnate attracting to you the essence of that which you are thinking and feeling....Did you get that? We become what we think about with feeling and emotion be it positive or negative.

So armed with my new found knowledge and understanding I have been able to look back over the book of our life so far with great hindsight and new awareness. I no longer feel like a boxer who has just got up from the canvass after being knocked out cold, muttering "what the hell just happened?" while trying to gather my wits and find my bearings. Since the lights have been turned on I can clearly see what has happened in every aspect of our lives and most importantly why! Everything that has happened to Trudie and me over the years happened because it was the focus of our attention....

After 12 years of infertility we finally got our precious baby boy 'Jaja'...because Trudie in particular never stopped believing that we would!

I realised my dream of opening my own Mens' Fashion store through positive belief and expectation that I would and the same happened for my other business many years later!

We managed to get ourselves a home makeover courtesy of 'Carol Vorderman's Better Homes' on ITV http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IK7W-1OQ-rI even though there were 35,000 other applicants to get on the show because we just knew that when we sent off our letter we would get picked!

We wrote our book when everyone around us was saying: "You two can't write a book". We then managed to get our book published again in stark contract to popular belief and also against proven odds that show 98% of books that are written never actually get published!

People could point to all the negative things that have happened to us and say "Where was your Law of Attraction in those instances? My reply would be that it was very evident in all the negative aspects of our lives because the law works both ways ie. If you choose to focus on the things you do not want in your life with feeling and emotion they will appear in your life....

I am able to see now how I lost both of my company s' because at that time I knew nothing of The Law of Attraction and believed very strongly that life could not remain so good for too long. I constantly feared losing my dream instead of reveling in my success and believing it would last forever and the Universe said "Your wish is my command" and put in place all the people,circumstances and events that led to the final realisation of my predominant thoughts and feelings at that time.

Knowing what I know now I don't feel bitter towards anyone or anything that played a part in the 'not so good' things in my life because I now understand that I have brought everything to myself be it good or bad and I can look forward to positively shaping my future by focusing purely on what I want in life for me and my family.




 



          

FIFTY SHADES WISER ...

“It’s just harmless fantasy”…how many times have you heard that sentence and what was the topic of conversation to which it referred?  If you’re talking about an eight year old boy dreaming of being ‘A Spaceman’ and flying to the moon then yes more than likely it is just a fantasy.  Even though he may be totally obsessed with the idea and driving you up the wall by regaling you with tales day and night of how he’s going to battle the space monsters when he gets to the moon, in his 8 year old mind he really believes it’s going to happen.  However in reality unless his name is Neil Armstrong or Buzz Aldrin then the chances are his fantasy will remain just that….a fantasy.

A fantasy is your imagination unrestricted by reality.  I think in many instances fantasy is the reality you wish you had particularly when it comes to sex.  Take note here, I said sex not relationships.  Let’s be honest and open from the start on this one (ladies included) by admitting that none of us daydream and fantasise about ‘having a relationship’ with our ‘Dream Person’.  I readily admit as a red blooded male that I don’t see Kate Beckinsale or Eva Mendes (giving away secrets now) and think ‘oh I’d love to take her shopping then go for a nice meal’.  I’m sure that would be a very pleasant experience with either one of them particularly as I love shopping for clothes and eating but I’m not going to waste valuable fantasy time wondering round The Trafford Centre with Kate when we could be somewhere private and I could get busy peeling her out of that tight black number she wears in the Underworld movies!  Why take Eva down Manchester’s ‘Curry Mile’ in my fantasy when we could just go straight to bed and work our way through an altogether more appetising sort of menu?

You see, as promised I’m being totally honest with regards to my particular fantasy women and nowhere at all does ‘a relationship’ come into it, it’s only sexual fantasy and in reality it’s very unlikely to ever be more than just that.  Pretty much like the little boy who wants to go and fight space monsters on the moon, he’ll grow out of it and move on and I’m sure that a couple of years down the line I too will have moved on and I will be having sexual fantasies about someone other than Eva or Kate, although that particular shift of sexual attention would cause problems if I were actually in a real relationship with either of them….so you see fantasy in this sense really is harmless.  

So when is fantasy not harmless or even potentially harmful?.... Believe it or not there used to be a brilliant advert on TV a few years back that shows exactly how fantasy can be dangerous to a relationship.  It was an advert for John Smiths Bitter and starred Peter Kay so obviously it took on a comedy aspect but like they say, there’s a hint of truth in every joke.

The scene is set in a restaurant and Peter and his wife are having a meal with another couple.  There’s a television on the wall showing a music video with lots of pretty girls doing aerobics clad in skimpy, tight fitting lycra outfits.  Peter’s wife says to him “I bet you think those girls are gorgeous” to which he replies “There’s only one lady in my life”.  She continues…”You can go out with any girl in the world, who would it be?” “I only love you, I’m not interested” he says.  By now she has a bee in her bonnet and persists…. “I’m offering you Kelly Brooke on a plate or Tess Daly.  I won’t get upset, it’s only a game”.  Now it’s at this point having worn him down that she gets the answer that she really was not expecting and certainly was not wanting as he finally gives in and says with a faraway dreamy look in his eyes… “Claire from work”…..

Boom!  What a bombshell!  Her face is a picture of total disgust and disbelief.  The other couple are squirming in their seats as the camera cuts to the photocopying room at work where we see a shot of Claire doing her copying and Peter lets out a gentle sigh of adoration.

Ok it’s a comedy advert playing out a hilarious scene but I see exactly where it’s coming from in terms of fantasy and relationships and it is so true to real life. Peter’s wife was happily offering him Kelly Brooke on a plate, although maybe she wasn’t quite as cool with this as she was making out, I think she was sussing him out a bit.  She was asking a question to which she really didn’t want the answer but a little devil inside her made her ask anyway.  (We’ve all done it).  So even though deep down inside she really didn’t want to think of her man fancying someone else she could cope with knowing the competition for his charms was coming from a Kelly Brooke, a Tess Daly or some other glamorous, out of reach, television or film star who wouldn’t give her beloved a second glance in the unlikely event their paths ever crossed.  But the 'Boom! Moment' had thrown something totally unexpected into the equation. The 'Boom! Moment' had thrown Claire from work into the melting pot and caught Peter’s Mrs totally off guard.  If he’d admitted to fancying Kelly Brook she could have consoled herself with the fact that Kelly is a stunning looking woman who loads of men fancy and why should her husband not join the queue of admirers?  She could take comfort in the thought that Kelly lives in a totally different world to them and was just someone they saw on TV or in magazines from time to time.

But Claire from work was a totally different kettle of fish.  Claire from work had come right up on her blind side.  While she suspected hubby almost certainly fancied some celebrity or other from Hollywood or wherever and if he did it was only in fantasy and therefore harmless, Claire from work posted a real threat of ‘clear and present danger’ and the look on her face as he dribbled out her name was the ‘priceless’ and hilarious realisation of that danger.

Claire from work was not a distant and untouchable celebrity who Peter would probably never meet in his life.  She was a real, live and probably very touchable woman that he saw five days a week at work.  In fact he probably spent more time with Claire than he did with her!  Did she sit near to him?  Did they have lunch together?  What’s happening on the occasions when he claims to be working late?  What does Claire look like?  For all she knows her husband could have his very own Kelly Brooke lookalike working in his office and why has he never mentioned her name before? What’s he hiding from her?

As I said earlier every joke has a hint of truth and this comedy sketch contains far more than a hint. Comedians like Peter Kaye deliver ‘observational comedy’ where they make light of real life issues making them funny in order to get a laugh.  This sort of comedy works because we all have our own real life examples to draw on, be it something that has actually happened to us or involves someone that we know. What this sketch illustrates quite clearly is that sexual fantasy is indeed harmless as long as the subject of the fantasy is so distant that it almost certainly could never turn into a reality be that subject a specific person, persons or sexual scenario.

If I was in the throes of hot passion with Trudie and she inadvertently called out Brad Pitt’s name in a screaming orgasm I suppose I would be a little put out that she had to invite an imaginary 3^rd party to bed with us but I would get over it safe in the knowledge that she’s not actually dating him behind my back and I was the man on the spot actually inducing the orgasm. If however she took to calling out the name of one of our friends or a work colleague, then that’s a whole different matter.  She most certainly could be seeing him for extra marital sex or if she wasn’t it would still have more potential to become a reality than Brad jumping on a plane from Hollywood to Leyland in Lancashire so he could climb into bed with her while I was out at work.  (Sorry Trudie! I’m not saying Brad wouldn’t fancy you but I bet he’s never even heard of Leyland.)

In a nutshell I’m saying fantasising about someone untouchable in my view is safe and harmless to a relationship but if the fantasy object of your desire is closer to home and within your reach then the alarm bells have to start ringing.  Recently there’s been a phenomenon sweeping the country that I believe is blurring the point of difference between harmless and harmful by confusing the idea of touchable and untouchable fantasies.

Every adult on the planet who can read is by now familiar with ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’…this book and the others in the trilogy is described as being an erotic novel and contains throughout lots of eroticism and explicit descriptions of extreme sexual acts between the fictional characters in the story.  This book is selling faster than any other book before it; millions of copies are being swept off the shelves in the main by women readers who by all accounts find the explicit sexual liaisons described in the book totally captivating.

I was at a charity concert a few months ago and one of the prizes in the raffle was the 50 shades trilogy.  The compere was announcing the list of prizes and asked the room “Who’s read 50 Shades?”…. his enquiry was met with loads of whooping and cheering from most of the women there as they raised their hands to indicate the fact that they were indeed on the ‘Mummy Porn’ bandwagon and were by no means embarrassed to admit it.  I remember thinking at the time how strange I found the almost celebratory whooping and cheering. If the guy with the mike had announced that one of the prizes on offer was ‘Legs akimbo Monthly’ or ‘Debbie Does Dallas’ (showing my age here) then asked the guys in the room if they’d seen it?  Would he have generated the same enthusiastic response from his audience?...I think not.  Then I found myself wondering why that was?  The answer I came up with was this…

Pornography as we know it in the traditional sense (should I be using the word traditional in the same sentence as pornography???) is something that mostly men use as a sexual fantasy outlet and features in the main sexually explicit images of women in magazines and movies.  Considering how many men look at porn (and trust me there’s loads of us) and the widespread availability of it, it’s still generally regarded as being a seedy, underground thing never to be discussed in mixed company and that’s why if the Compere at our Charity bash had asked “Who’s watched Debbie Does Dallas?” he would have encountered a wall of silence as all the men in the room shuffled around uneasily and stared at the floor or smiled at their partner in sheepish denial.  I also think that if any man was to admit in public that he used porn 9 out of 10 times his partner would be very disapproving of the public revelation because men know that other men use porn and many even talk openly about it to each other while women also know that men use porn although quite strangely ‘not their man because he doesn’t need to and would not even dream of it because he has her!’

Now this is where we start to see a real point of difference between the sexes and the use and acceptance of pornography.  It’s almost as though fifty shades has encouraged women all over the country to ‘come out’ and admit they do actually have more than a passing interest in porn and they are not ‘coming out’ quietly either.  It’s very similar to the eighties when all of a sudden it became ok to be Gay and Gay people the world over started ‘coming out’ and celebrating the fact that they’re sexuality was at last socially acceptable, to the degree where they began to have special days to mark ‘Gay Pride’ with marches, street festivals and parties.  I wonder if we’ll be witnessing marches and festivals in the future where thousands of women unfurl banners declaring their love of ‘Mummy Porn’ and their ‘right to read it’?

Many people will argue that there is a world of difference between Fifty Shades ‘Mummy Porn’ and the type of porn that men use.  They would argue that the Mummy Porn is just harmless fantasy and imagination, whereas men look at real people having real sex in films and magazines which is degrading to the women in the magazines and films and also to the partners of the men using porn.

I don’t see it like that at all.  I can’t get my head around the fact that so many women would feel offended, betrayed, unsexy, humiliated and a whole host of other negative emotions if they thought their man ever used porn.  Or should I say if they could ever admit to themselves that he does or has at some time or other. Because chances are he has….he’s a man and it’s something that men do without any kind of sleight on you.  Just because your man looks at sexy girls in a porn film it does not mean he no longer loves you.  It does not mean he no longer finds you attractive and sexy; it does not mean you are unable to satisfy his needs.  In short you have no need to feel threatened by the girls in his film or magazine.  Why?  It’s because we are back to the Peter Kay and Kelly Brook scenario. We are talking about girls that he doesn’t have a cat in hells chance of ever meeting let alone sleeping with.  Chance would be a fine thing that he should meet three gorgeous girls who all happened to be lesbians but strangely wanted your hubby to join in their sex games.  It aint gonna happen!  He knows and accepts that fact and that’s why in his very basic male way of thinking he’s not cheating on you when he uses porn.

Now turning the whole thing on its head how many of you fans of Mummy Porn can say hand on heart that you are not cheating (in your mind at least) on your partner when you read something like 50 Shades?  No I’m not being stupid here, think about it.

A porn film has porn actors playing the parts, real people that your guy has no access to in reality; he’s just a member of the audience.  A 50 Shades type fantasy story also has a cast of characters doing the dirty deeds but the major difference is that you are the Cast Director on this one.  You get to decide who plays which part and chances are you cast yourself as the leading lady which is fair enough but who’s going to share the lead role with you?  Is Mr Gray going to remain faceless?  Is Mr Gray going to be someone famous but untouchable that you fancy or is he going to be someone much closer to home, a real person that you actually know?  Could we be heading towards a Peter Kay and ‘Clare at work’ situation?

I have read all sorts of accounts of women who have been sexually re-awakened after reading the 50 Shades books to the point where they are no longer prepared to put up with the hum-drum existence they have been leading with their boring old hubby.  We’ve somehow migrated from stubborn blindness of the fact that ordinary blokes occasionally get off by watching porn to the point where the topic of conversation at a girls coffee morning can range from ‘the price of baked beans through to anal fisting!

I was at a party on New Year’s Eve with Trudie and we were introduced by the hosts to a number of people neither of us had met before.  During the initial ice breaking conversations one of the women there said that it was quite weird meeting us because she felt that she already knew us having read a previous book we had written together.  Trudie told her that I was currently busy writing this blog about ‘love, sex and relationships’ and that immediately caused a stir amongst the half a dozen women who were listening nearby. “Is it like 50 Shades?”…. I was asked almost immediately by a woman standing next to me who then went on to tell me about her mum who was in her 70s and was thinking about getting herself a copy of 50 Shades.  Knowing that she’d read it her Mum was enquiring if her daughter thought she would enjoy it? “Well if you want to read about anal sex and butt plugging Mum then yes but otherwise don’t bother” was the reply she had given.  

Knock me down with a feather on two counts here….firstly I’m talking to a woman I met just 5 minutes ago about anal sex and butt plugging while other people casually stand around listening in as though we were discussing what Santa had brought the kids for Christmas.  Secondly and even more alarmingly we’ve got to the stage where even Grandma’s in their seventies are looking to spice up their lives with a little bit of ‘Mummy Porn’!  What the hell is happening here?  I have to ask myself.  What is it that these women are looking for and will they find it between the covers of 50 Shades?  Judging by the number of copies that   book has sold there seems to be a hell of a lot of frustrated women out there desperately seeking something different to the sex life they are currently having …or not having as the case may be.  But is erotic fantasy the way forward?  Will your reading of all this highly charged erotica not just serve to add to your frustrations?  As you begin to put faces to the fictional characters in your mind’s eye are you not beginning to stray into dangerous territory? At what point will you be tempted to try some of the stuff you are reading about? Will you want to get hubby involved in your fantasy sex or would it be much more exciting with somebody else…maybe that guy down the gym that you know for certain fancies you like mad?  You’ve noticed the way he always looks at you but you only ever had the courage to exchange a friendly 'hello' in the past but now you are 50 Shades wiser and braver. You’re also 50 Shades more randy as a result of your libido being massaged back into life courtesy of your erotic novels.

I can’t help  thinking that there are more and more women out there on the prowl, playing the role of Cougars in search of illicit sex with willing young studs equally up for a bit of no strings sexual action.  Not that they ever needed the ok from the male species but 50 Shades seems to be playing a major part in liberating women in their own minds in the sexual arena.  Only today I managed to catch 10 minutes of Loose Women on television where the male guest was boxer David Haye and the way he was treated by the middle aged all-female panel backs up what I am saying.  David wanted to talk about his “life changing” time in the jungle when he featured in ‘I’m A Celebrity Get Me out Of Here’ and plug his new fitness video.  The Cougars on the panel had other ideas….before he came out they showed numerous clips of his time in the jungle and most of them featured David taking a shower – cue the whooping, cheering and lewd comments from both the panel and mainly female audience.  When David was eventually introduced and entered the studio the noise from the baying pack reached a crescendo.  I thought to myself ‘blimey he’s a brave lad going out there’ like a Christian entering The Coliseum…. As soon as he sat down the panel started on him loading sexual quips and innuendos into every sentence.  It really was getting a bit too raunchy for day time TV and I began to wonder if I had somehow gone back in time 30 years and was watching Benny Hill in reverse or a ‘Carry On’ film?  In those days it was perfectly acceptable on television to use women purely as titillation fodder for the benefit of the male viewer and now things have gone full circle to the point where a handsome young guy is fair game for the ‘Loose Women’ Cougars.  Mind you I have to say fair play to David as he stood his ground and managed the situation very well. He was enjoying the attention and sexual overtures being made in his direction but then surely that’s to be expected from a self-confident man in such a situation?

Men need to wake up and see what’s going on here and react to it. We need to look at why our women are looking to change the social order of all things relating to sex.

We need to get to the bottom of this before it’s too late for too many of us.  By that I mean the married and attached male species has to look at itself in a very self-critical way in order to find out why our women are leaving the bedroom in droves and heading down to Waterstones for sex.  By that I don’t literally mean they’re having it off behind the book shelves with some hunky sales assistant but you never know because that indeed could be the case as the young, free and single guys out there have noticed what is going on.  They know that too many of their married and attached counterparts are not taking care of business in the bedroom department.  They also know that more and more women have decided that enough is enough and are saying “if he can’t satisfy me then I’m off to find myself a Mr Gray”.

The young, free and singles men out there don’t have some sort of mystical male bonding loyalty to their married brothers that means they wouldn’t dream of bedding a woman if she was married or in a relationship.  Come on guys, work it out, we’ve all been young, single and horny at some time in the past.  The only difference to then and now is that in the past women were far more reserved.  The only Cougar I remember seeing as a teenager was Mrs Robinson in the film ‘The Graduate’.  Now there’s a potential Mrs Robinson lurking in the ‘Sexual Fantasy’ section of every book store in the land!  As men we tend to take a sexual opportunity when it presents itself so as men we shouldn’t need telling twice that other men are out there waiting to have their Mrs Robinson moment with our Mrs be she a Robinson a Smith, Jones or whoever. They don’t care who she’s married to.  If she’s giving them the ‘come on’ they are going to react accordingly.

I work with young men, guys in their late teens and early twenties.  I know loads of young guys that go to the gym I use and you have to believe me when I say “they are on to it!” they are regularly on the hunt for MILFS! (Mum's I’d Like to F..k).  Like any good hunter these guys are choosing their prey.  They are choosing the MILFS because it’s an easy catch where the prey wants to be caught.  In fact this prey comes out of the undergrowth and stands proudly smack bang in the middle of the hunting ground. This prey wants to be noticed.

I’m not in a position to judge the sexual prowess of all these young studs and I don’t know if they are as a group of men satisfying older women in droves once they get them into bed.  What I do know however is that they are succeeding in seducing them into bed and after that it’s too late anyway, the threshold to the bedroom has been crossed and the damage is done. What we have to do is work out what the young guys are doing that is so appealing to our women or probably more appropriately what is it that we have stopped doing over time that has caused our women to lose interest in us and in turn look elsewhere for the great time that we used to show them?  If you take time to analyse the situation it’s not rocket science.  It’s all about little things adding up to make a big difference…..Where you are sporting a paunch because you no longer feel the need to make an effort with your appearance the young stud will be showing off a ‘six pack’ because he works out regularly. When you are slobbing around the house unwashed, unshaven,  wearing grubby jogging pants and scratching your balls she may be comparing you to the well groomed, smartly dressed, cologne wearing young guy that served her that day in the Department Store.  When you haven’t noticed how good she looks in her new outfit or can’t be bothered to tell her how great she looks after a visit to the hair salon, she’s going to be really flattered when the young guy who works in her office starts to lay it on thick with the complements because he’s noticed how hot she looks.

These young bucks are doing all the things that we used to do when we were their age.  They are doing whatever they need to do to get laid and having been there ourselves we know the score and knowing your enemy goes a long way towards beating him.  In order to successfully fight off this particular enemy we have to start with a very self-critical reality check.  We have to look at what we have to offer and maybe even admit that when it comes to competing with ‘young Johnny upstart’ in a physical sense we may not necessarily be on a winner because we do change shape with age or lose hair and gain wrinkles.  However all is not lost for us ‘relationship guys’ because they say “possession is 9 tenths of the law.” (girls, I don’t mean possession as in we own you so just hear me out…) I mean we are already with you because once upon a time you made the decision that we were the only one for you.  The young stud is trying to take you away so we just have to give you enough reasons to want to stick around and I think that gives us the upper hand here. 

We know (or should know) what we did to attract you in the first place so that’s a good start….we know our enemy because he is us 20 years ago and we know you. We know what you like and what you don’t like, we know what makes you tick, what makes you laugh what makes you cry, we know your favourite food and what you like to drink.  We know your favourite perfume and your all-time best tune.  We know how to make your cup of tea in the morning a perfect 10!  In short we know a hell of a lot more about how to make you feel special than some wet behind the ears young thing who’s trying to muscle in on our relationship. He’s using a scatter gun approach to his wooing in the hope that some of his erratic fire will hit the target of love.  We on the other hand have all the years of being with you. We have all this knowledge and experience of knowing just exactly where to shoot cupid’s arrow sniper style for maximum effect….so guys all you need to do now is realise that what I’m saying makes sense, draw back your bow, take aim and prepare to fire that arrow of love.                    

I'VE GOT A PISTOL IN MY POCKET....

Can anyone tell me where I can find a good old fashion 'joke shop' these days? You know, the type of place where you can buy such things as stink bombs and rubber spiders on elasticated string. I cant remember the last time I saw such an emporium of tomfoolery but I need to find one quick so that I can buy myself a 'water pistol'....
Why do I want a water pistol you might ask?.... I want a water pistol to help me cope with the amazingly hot weather we are currently experiencing. How will a little plastic toy help me cope with glorious sunshine and temperatures in the 80's?....Well actually before I tell you what I need it for I think I'll just do a quick upgrade to one of those big brightly coloured pump action water guns that you see kids playing with. The one's that can shoot out half a gallon of water with just a couple of pulls on the trigger.

My plan once I get my new gun is to conceal it inside my jacket Clint Eastwood style in readiness for the next person who dares to utter those most ridiculous of words "It's too hot!" I swear that once I'm tooled up and fully loaded anyone moaning about the weather within my earshot will get an instant 'cooling down' as I drench them with ice cold water!

We live in a country that in my view has a brilliant and varied climate of four distinct seasons where Spring, Summer, Autumn and Winter all bring their own unique weather patterns. During the course of a year we get rain, wind, snow, sleet, fog and of course warm sunshine from time to time. It's called the British Climate and it comes every year so why are we so surprised and ill prepared when it snows in the winter and why after months of cool wet weather do we (not me) begin to complain that "It's too hot" having moaned on for the previous 10 months that it's too wet, cold, windy etc, etc?

SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! and bloody well get on with your life and enjoy the summer that you have been predicting will never come. We are lucky enough to have in Britain lush green countrysides, lakes, rivers and forests. We have National Parks, views and Waterways that are all the more vibrant because of our climate and it may be that too many of us take it all for granted instead of appreciating the beauty of where we are so lucky to live. It may be that we feel that we have to live up to our image of 'moaning Brits' or 'whinging Poms' as the Australians would say and sadly it's a well earned image when you look at the evidence....

One of my customers at work is an American who has lived in this country for a number of years now and it made me laugh the other day when he declared "I must have been over here too long because I now find myself talking about 'the weather'!
You see! no where else in the world does the whole population share just the one topic of conversation and I don't just mean as an ice breaker to start a conversation. The weather is all over the TV and newspapers be it good, bad or indifferent....

"TRAINS CANCELLED DUE TO WRONG TYPE OF SNOW"

"TRAINS CANCELLED DUE TO LEAVES ON THE LINE"

"PHEW IT'S A SCORCHER!!!"  (With a picture of Chantelle 19, from Sidcup enjoying the beach at Margate).

"HAY FEVER SUFFERERS RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!"

All this nonsense dominates our news while there are far more important and news worthy things going on around the world and I suppose the reason I'm fed up of all the moaning is because today I let my guard down and finally got caught up in all the 'heatwave hysteria'.

There I was out and about in Bolton this morning when I saw a headline jumping out at me from the local paper...'WARM WEATHER THEFT WARNING' ....apparently house burglaries are on the increase since the weather got hot because people are leaving windows open and the burglars are seizing the increased opportunity's to get in our houses in order to relieve us of our 'hard earned' and the headline stopped me in my tracks as for the life of me I could not remember if I had indeed closed all the windows before I came out. I raced back to my car and stupidly drove at break neck speeds only to get home to find that yes, I had locked up properly after all...as I always do!

So can we all agree that instead of moaning about getting what we have all been asking for we start to appreciate it because before too long we will be digging out the hats, scarves and wellies in readiness for the winter months that we will spend wishing it was summer....

I'm off now to Google 'Local joke shops'....


            

FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN

Whenever we see surveys carried out regarding the topic of relationships one of the most common complaints from women about their men is the one that says “he takes me too much for granted”.   It’s at this point that I can hear all the blokes agreeing that ‘yes that accusation has been levelled at me at some time or other but to be honest I don’t really get where she’s coming from?  I don’t really know what she means by that.  I suppose I could ask for a bit more detail as to the supporting evidence to that slanderous accusation, and it is slanderous because that does not sound like me at all but I suspect that could in turn lead to an argument and I don’t like arguments so I’ll just stay here in the dark not knowing what she really means when she says that and maybe the problem will ‘go away’…or words to that effect….

I’m going to help you out here fellas because if your lady has at any time accused you of taking her for granted then it must be true because that’s how she feels, or rather that’s how you have made her feel and I include myself in that too.  I’m afraid it’s a sad reality that complacency can work its way into even the strongest of relationships from time to time and it’s  that complacency that can indeed lead to ‘taking your partner for granted’ and it’s not a problem ‘that will just go away’ if left unchecked.  I’m going to take sides with the women here and say that it’s us men who are more likely to fall into a state of complacency when it comes to love and relationships hence earning the ‘you take me for granted accusation’.  Women in general do tend to naturally put that little bit more commitment into a relationship as they are more nurturing, caring and sensitive than us ‘sometimes inconsiderate bone-headed’ men.

However in defence of men everywhere I don’t think we purposely settle down into a state of complacency just to spite you and in a bizarre way a wife or partner who tends to care and look after her other half ‘too well’ is probably more likely to fall foul of ‘the lazy so-and-so who just takes me for granted!’

The way I can help you guys is to enlighten you on just what your spouse is talking about when she throws down the ‘taken for granted’ line which unfortunately is probably only used in the middle of an argument and there lies the first clue to solving the whole mystery. The accusation is usually scripted into an argument because arguments have a tendency to dredge up all the old ill feelings and resentments that have not been aired over a period of time.  An argument is an opportunity to get off your chest all the little things that have been bugging you over a period of time, probably since the last argument you had and when a woman says in the middle of a domestic altercation ‘you take me for granted’ she is talking about the little incidentals that occur on a daily basis.  She is not complaining about the fact that you take it for granted that if a major crisis appears in your life you expect her to be there for you no questions asked, because that’s just where she would be in such a situation, backing you up 100% when the going gets tough.  Women are good like that, it’s the protecting and nurturing thing again, it comes naturally to them.  What they are talking about is the culmination of ‘little things’ that happen daily, building into an overall situation where they eventually feel that they are being ‘taken for granted’.   Little incidents and occurrences that if they were to try and resolve them one at a time as they came along would probably lead us to accuse them of ‘nagging’ or ‘moaning’.   Without more consideration from us the girls are in a no win situation on this one so how can we do better?  What do we need to do to make them feel more valued and appreciated in our relationships?

I’ll use a true life example here in an effort to help the men out.  Not that long ago I used to work with a guy who one morning came into work looking ashen faced and totally crestfallen.  He was actually half an hour late for his shift so because I was his manager he came to see me to explain the reason for his lateness….. “The f…ing wife’s left me” were the first words he offered in explanation and just as I was pondering whether or not to ask why he quickly followed up with “Just because I left the washing in the machine! Can you believe that” he enquired of me obviously looking for some sympathy and empathy from a fellow bloke.  Now I could have given him what he was seeking but I didn’t think that would be the right thing to do, easiest yes but right?…no!.... Not from where I was sitting on my opinionated high horse anyway so I tried to get him to see what had really happened that morning or the night before as it turned out.

I said to him, “a woman does not just up sticks and walk out on a marriage solely because her husband did not take the washing out of the machine and put it to dry…so what else have you done?  Or not done as the case may be?!”  He went straight into denial and defensive mode as he painted this picture of himself that without doubt qualified him for a ‘Hubby Of The Year’ award and anyone who didn’t know him would think his wife must be stark raving bonkers to walk away from such a catch!  However I did know him.  I knew him very well in a way that you get to know someone when you work in close proximity with them five days a week.  Five days a week where you are sharing the same space, using the same kitchen and sharing a toilet.

I asked him “when you are at home do you ever wash up or do you leave dirty coffee cups lying around everywhere as you do at work?” he raised a quizzical eyebrow…. so I continued, when you use the loo at home do you pee all over the floor like you do here and do you regularly pebble dash the bowl and just leave it or do you by chance occasionally use the toilet brush at home?  By now he was getting really offended but he could clearly see where I was coming from much as he didn’t want to admit it.  He knew that I knew the way he behaved at work was pretty much the way he carried on at home and vice versa.  I reminded him that he often turned up for work in a crumpled shirt because “she didn’t do the ironing” or worse still a dirty crumpled shirt because “she didn’t do the washing or ironing”.  He was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the conversation we were having so I took off my ‘mate trying to help hat’ and put my ‘Managerial’ hat back on and backed off which was a shame because he definitely needed it drumming into him a bit more in order to understand that his wife had left him after years of being taken for granted and the washing debacle was the final straw that broke the camel’s back.  He was throwing in pathetic arguments like “I didn’t have time to take the washing out after working all day,” while conveniently forgetting that she also holds down a full time job as well as doing the cooking, cleaning and most of the child-minding.  He also failed to mention the fact that any spare time he gets is usually spent playing on Xbox which is a whole new 21^st century phenomenon that I struggle to get my old head around… grown men getting hooked on computer games…?  I left the conversation really hoping that he had taken on board the advice I was giving him but somehow I don’t think he did and sadly I’m afraid he’s not the only man who thinks we’re still living in Victorian times, the age when it was a woman’s duty to look after the home and care for the children while still finding time to attend to her husbands every whim.

Wake up guys!  Things have changed a hell of a lot over the years.  In the past women never went out to work whereas these days most of them do.  You no longer have the argument that men even in the 1960’s and 70’s had, in that because they were out working all day it was reasonable to expect their dinner on the table when they got home because their wife didn’t go out to work.  Making the dinner was part and parcel of being a full time wife, mother and homemaker.  Note that I said ‘full time’ because that’s what it was then and still is now and that’s the point that too many men fail to see until its way too late.  

In the 60’s and 70’s a full time wife, mother and home maker who didn’t go out to work had the time to cook, wash and iron, she probably had time to follow her husband around picking up dirty socks and undies as he discarded them willy nilly around the house, she may have picked up wet towels from the bathroom floor while cursing quietly through gritted teeth or even saw it as part of her duty to remove the pebble dash left by the ‘love of her life’ around the toilet bowl?  But thinking about it now maybe that’s where women in the past have made things harder for women in modern times?  All that running around picking up after ‘Great Grandad’ that ‘Great Grandma’ did because she had time to do it has back fired on women the world over today.  It’s been fed into the male psyche over the years that it’s ok to leave your undies exactly where you step out of them, the bathroom floor is the right place to leave wet towels and the toilet is the place to pee wildly in all directions because ‘the cleaning fairy’ will magically appear when you’re gone and make it all good again!  Then there’s the ‘washing and ironing fairy’ that produces clean crisp shirts in abundance.  I wonder if she’s related to the ‘cooking fairy’ that produces all those wonderful meals just at the time you get hungry?  There must be a ‘child minder fairy’ in the family too because it’s amazing how your five year old gets up in a morning, gets washed and dressed, has breakfast and takes himself to and from school every day without any input whatsoever from you!

When you break it all down taking someone for granted more often than not is more about the things you don’t do rather than things you do.  Its lots of little things that you probably used to do but don’t anymore.  They paint into a picture of contempt towards your other half.  I know I keep using toilet habits to illustrate my point but I think it can sum up a lot of what I’m saying and no I don’t mean I’m talking crap…. Cast your mind back to when you first met your wife or girlfriend and you’re round at her place courting and romancing when nature calls and you have to visit the loo and it’s a sit down visit that’s required.  You do your business then flush but before you leave the bathroom you notice that flushing was not enough to remove the evidence from around the bowl.  Did you take time out to use the loo brush and leave the place in the same clean state as when you found it or were you happy to leave the mess for your girlfriend to find and clean up later?  I would like to think you took the first course of action even if for nothing more than wanting to make the right impression because it mattered to you what she thought of you in the early stages of your relationship and a poo stained toilet bowl is not a good image to be associated with.

So when did things start to change?  At what point in your relationship did you no longer feel the need to try and impress?  When was the day that you first stepped out of your dirty boxers and left them to magically find their own way into the wash basket?  Which was the first tea cup you used then left to find its own way to the sink or dishwasher?  When was the first time you came home from work hungry and thought I can’t be arsed making dinner for us, she can do it when she gets back from work?  When was the first time you went to work in your crumpled shirt looking far from your best because “she’s not done the ironing”?

These may not sound like major life changing incidents that can end a relationship and singularly in isolation they’re not, but if they become embedded as behavioral traits the long term effect can have far reaching and catastrophic consequences.

In order to make the women in our lives feel more valued and appreciated and not taken for granted we have to stop ‘not doing’ stuff.  We have to be less lazy and more considerate in our general day to day behaviour because it’s the general day to day stuff that we ‘don’t do’ that once it becomes habitual starts to annoy and grind women down to the point where they walk out because the washing was left wet in the machine.

The golden rule I use is ‘to pretend I’m in a new relationship with Trudie where I’m still looking to create a great impression in every way I can and whenever I can.  I have consideration for the fact that she goes out to work full time as I do and endeavour to play my part in all aspects of family life.  Where are the 10 Commandments of marriage that state:

1)‘Man shall not do housework’? 

2)‘The kitchen shall remain the sole domain of woman’?

3) ‘Woman gives birth to children and shall therefore care for them and raise them alone’?

Etc. etc. There are no such Commandments, only bad habits born of a lack of respect for your partner’s time, energy and well-being lead a man to want to live his life that way.  I don’t remember a line in our marriage vows that mentioned anything about Trudie running around like a blue arsed fly, waiting on me hand and foot and raising our child in return for my contemptuous love.  Marriage and long term relationships work better when both people are pulling in the same direction and doing for each other because they want to and it doesn’t have to be hard work either and it’s certainly easier than living a life of constant bickering and falling out.  

Guys I’m not telling you to trade in your masculinity and become housewives, it’s nothing of the sort, in fact if you think about it men engaged in the ‘Armed Forces’ are made to be responsible for their own cleaning washing and ironing and I certainly won’t be the one to stand up and call them non masculine pansies… will you!?

I’ve been doing my own ironing since the age of 14 because I’ve always believed in looking my best and never wanted to be waiting for my mum to get round to ironing my 24 inch flares so that I could go out and impress the girls.  Nowadays I’ll often do the ironing for myself and the family but I work it to my advantage by cunningly doing it in front of the TV when football is on.  Now I don’t think there’s a woman in the land that would moan about her man “watching bloody football again” if he was doing the ironing at the same time. I’ve perfected my ironing skills to a fine art now and often I’ve finished by the time the pre match punditry is done and I’m sat down with a beer just as the match is about to start.

My mum always insisted that from an early age I clean and tidy my own room so I suppose I’ve been well trained to the point where I naturally pick up after myself.  The result of all this is that Trudie and I never have petty squabbles over who’s done what or more importantly who’s not done what and if she ever walks out the front door with her bags packed it won’t be because I’ve failed to empty the washing machine.

A woman walking out of a relationship on the back of a petty disagreement such as this may be saying verbally “I’m leaving because you’re a messy sod to live with” but what she’s really telling you is that she’s leaving because she’s fallen out of love with you and you have caused that to happen.  I strongly believe that a woman doesn’t just fall out of love with a man who is making an effort and working at a relationship.

I often hear men saying things like “Oh you can forget about sex once you get married, that goes right out of the window once she’s got the wedding ring on!”…. Now I wonder why that is?... Well I don’t wonder actually because I know why this happens and again I’m siding with the girls here in an effort to explain it to the guys because once again it’s our fault not theirs.

Think about it and you will see that I’m right on this… in the early days of your relationship you were regularly showering her with love, affection, roses and Chanel No. 5 and the upshot and reward of this was that every spare moment was spent making love or having raunchy sex as the mood took you.  A few years down the line and the only things you’re showering her with are dirty socks and undies while the only fragrance she probably receives from you is ‘Eau de Smelly Beer Fart’.  You may still have time for sex but she certainly does not as she runs around clearing up behind you and the kids before collapsing knackered at the end of the evening…. After a day like that sex is the last thing on her mind!

Generally speaking most men can just stop whatever they are doing and have sex if the opportunity arises but many of them are mistaken into thinking that women are the same but they aren’t.  Women are a lot more sensitive to the ‘rituals’ of making love, they like a little romantic pre-amble, a slow build up. They want time to be looking and smelling their best before getting between the sheets and they have every right to expect the same from you so when you are getting amorous and doing the ‘You can leave your hat on’ routine at the end of the bed in an attempt to get her aroused after her long hard day as well as being tired and unprepared she may well be thinking ‘he’s not bringing that smelly unwashed thing anywhere near me tonight so he may as well leave his bloody hat on and everything else too’!

She may be feeling cheated because you have moved the goalposts of expectations and standards from when you first got together.  Having a quick ‘leg over’ in bed so you can empty your sack before rolling over and falling asleep is not the same as going on a date and wining & dining before making love on a fur rug in front of a log fire…. Ok to you it might sound like the quick and easy option but if that’s your regular game plan then you may just find yourself heading towards a ‘quick and easy divorce’.  

You’re probably thinking ‘I can’t be bothered with all that palaver every time I fancy a bit of sex’, but I’m not saying you should be having a candle lit dinner for two five nights a week.  Once in a while is enough to keep the home fires burning as they say and if you take on board what I’m saying about taking over some of the household chores you’ll be amazed at the difference in your lady.  If she has more time and energy to spend on herself you will find her to be a lot more responsive to your needs as she begins to fall in love all over again with the wonderful, kind and considerate man she originally married.                    

'I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THE ONE ARMED BLACK CHAP!'

Do you remember the quiz show ‘Catchphrase’?  It was big throughout the 80s & 90s and you can still catch it nowadays courtesy of ‘Challenge TV station’.  The original presenter was Irish comedian Roy Walker who developed a catchphrase of his own as he attempted to help the contestants along.  He used to advise them to “Say what you see!”….In other words don’t try to describe something or someone by going around the houses and beating about the bush, simply “Say what you see!”

Now you’re thinking why the hell is he parping on about some old time now defunct game show?  What does it have to do with anything that matters nowadays?

Well it has a hell of a lot to do with political correctness gone mad in today’s society where people are generally too afraid to just say what they see for fear of causing offence and recently I have experienced this first hand on a couple of occasions, both incidents while at my place of work.  I manage the Moss Bros. Store in Southport so naturally I’m coming into contact with Joe Public all day and every day in my role of providing a service and it gives me a great insight as to how people in general perceive others and the way they interact according to their own beliefs and preconceptions.

Recently my store was visited by a ‘Mystery Shopper’ who I was unaware of at the time but on receiving her report a couple of weeks later I remembered serving her.  The first part of the report spends a little time describing the ambiance of the store and how it felt coming in as a customer.  It then goes on to talk about the level and quality of service provided by the staff and because obviously the mystery shopper does not know the staff by name she has to write a description of each of us in her report and it was this that made me realise that in 2013 Britain people are afraid to ‘say what they see’…

I only have one female staff member so she was easy to find by description.  However on the day in question there were 3 male members of staff including me and we eventually deduced that I was the one described as ‘well built with a shaven head’.  I say eventually deduced because that description could vaguely describe any one of the three guys in that day.

Yes from time to time I could be described as ‘well built’ as my weight does tend to fluctuate Oprah style. Yes I was shaven headed on the day but if she’d visited the store a day earlier or a week later I would not have been.  So I wondered why she chose not to describe me by using some of my more noticeable and permanent physical characteristics?  Characteristics that would have made it easier for me to find myself amongst the various descriptions of the 3 male staff.  Characteristics like the fact that I am black with a not quite perfect left arm that I blatantly can’t use.  Characteristics that if described would have left no one in any doubt as to who she was describing because all my staff are white and possess two complete and functional arms!

In the same week at work I answered the phone to a customer who wanted to ‘speak to the guy who served him the last time he visited the store but he didn’t get his name’.  This is how the conversation went….

“I never got his name but he was a very friendly bloke and smiled a lot”

“Can you describe him? There’s only four of us work here so I should be able to suss out who served you.”

“He’s about 5’8” or 5’9”

“I need a bit more than that I’m afraid”

“He was wearing a blue suit”

“That could be any one of us”

“I think he may be the Manager?”

“Ah! Do you mean the good looking black guy?....silence….followed by more silence….then…

“Are we allowed to say that nowadays?”

“Say what? That I’m good looking (and modest)?”

“What you just said…will it not offend him you calling him that?

“No I won’t be offended if you or any one describes me as ‘black’ because I am black.  Now how can I help you Sir?”

I eventually managed to put the guy at ease but these two incidents made me realise just how hung up some people are when it comes to talking about race, colour, disability, sexuality or anything that they perceive to be anything other than their version of ‘normal’.

Political correctness really has got so many of us running scared to the point where we dare not even state the blindingly obvious for fear of flouting the overbearing correctness laws.  Why on earth would I be offended because someone describes me by my colour?  It’s obvious my arm does not work so if you need to distinguish me from another black guy then I’m more than happy for you to say “the one who can’t use his arm”.

Maybe I’ve convinced you?  Maybe not but I certainly don’t remember as a child reading my story book description of ‘Long John Silver’ as being the one with a beard, earring and pet parrot with blatant disregard to the fact that he was missing a bloody leg!

Many years ago before we got all pompous and stuffy people said it as it was.  A spade was called a spade. Can you imagine if John Merrick was around today?  In the time that he lived he actually made money from being known as The Elephant Man as people paid money to come and look at him.  That would be a tough gig to pull off nowadays…. I can just imagine the box office billboards advertising his show: ‘COME AND SEE THE AMAZING MAN WHO LOOKS A TAD DIFFERENT!!!’…. Nah! Somehow I don’t think it would catch on second time around, do you?