It was quite a few years ago when I was working in the 'Financial Services' sector and I was employed by one of the big finance companies to sell Investments and Pensions. Part of my job was to do 'home visits' where I would sit down with clients and discuss their personal finances, so it was serious stuff that required a great level of professionalism on my part and I always strive to be the 'ultimate professional' in my work.
I had spoken to the couple on a number of occasions by telephone and the home visit was arranged in order to tie up loose ends and conclude business by obtaining signatures and I.D. proofs. It was straight forward enough to find the address and I arrived 'suited & booted' and in good time for the appointment. It was a large well kept house with a long driveway leading from the gate to the front door and as I made my way up the drive a large dog appeared from behind a hedge and sat down next to me as I rang the door-bell... Now I'm hardly what you could call a 'dog lover'...in fact I'll be honest and tell you that I am actually scared of dogs and it was always a relief when I arrived at a home visit to find that there was no family dog but today it seemed that I would have to conduct the appointment with my clients with their pet in attendance.
As soon as the front door was opened the dog bounded down the hall-way and disappeared into the room at the end and I remember hoping that he had chosen to go and amuse himself in a different room to the one we would be using but no such luck on my part as my clients greeted me warmly then proceeded to show me into the room that the dog had gone into.
"Please take a seat" the man gestured in the general direction of the 3 piece suite so I opted for one of the arm chairs mainly because 'Lassie' or whatever his name was had by now made himself comfortable by sprawling full length on the settee, only changing his position occasionally to lick and sniff his privates! I then watched with slight bemusement as the couple then perched on the edge of the settee ready to listen to what I had to say without making any effort to move the dog!?
Any how they seemed comfortable enough and we got down to discussing business and all was going well until about ten minutes into the meeting when 'Lassie' got bored and decided it was time to go and seek some entertainment...and he had decided that I was going to be the provider of his afternoon's fun. He started by jumping down off the settee and making a bee-line for my brief case that lay open on the floor in front of me then set about attacking my paperwork. He was growling as he scattered books and forms around the living room. He tossed some paper in the air then chased after it, knocking over the coffee the lady had made me... "Oh don't worry I'll sort it she said" as she dashed into the kitchen to get a cloth to clean the carpet but strangely (in my view) neither of them thought to put the dog out even though I'm sure my discomfort was clearly visible??
By now 'Lassie' was really getting into his swing and had decided there were other ways he could torment me as he jumped up onto my armchair, squeezed in behind me and I kid you not he started to shag me! At first he was quite discreet and I thought he was just making himself comfortable in the small space behind me and anyway I was too scared to look around or shoo him away, whilst desperately wishing one of my clients would tell him to get down but still nothing...Then suddenly his paws were on my shoulders, his tongue was in my ear and he was humping me for all he was worth! My professionalism was totally forgotten as I shrieked and dived out of the chair, knocking over a lamp that was on the table next to me. I was doing a great impersonation of 'Norman Wisdom' in these peoples lounge and still they were displaying a remarkable calmness towards me and their pet mongrel...
My 'girlie screams' must have frightened the pooch because when I finally regained my composure and looked around the room he was nowhere to be seen having scarpered into the hall out of the way. With him gone I was able to concentrate on what I had originally come for (albeit looking over my shoulder every couple of minutes) and we managed to eventually wrap up the meeting much to my relief.
I packed my stuff into my briefcase and we made small talk as they showed me to the front door and all the while I was scanning around me in anticipation of the 'mad dog' leaping out at me from his hiding place but I was ever so relieved not to see him and then I was out on the driveway and safe. One final hand-shake and I set off for the gate...I had taken just a few steps when I heard the lady's voice..."Lloyd!?"...I turned round to see her and her husband standing on the door step and 'Lassie' had reappeared to complete the threesome as he sat next to her giving me a dumb look..."Are you not taking your dog with you?" she asked. I looked around to see who she could be talking to but there was no one there but me. "I beg your pardon?" I offered in reply and my blank look must have told them I had no idea what in hell had just happened! "My dog? He's not my dog! He's in your house, surely he belongs to you?!"..."We've never seen him before" said the guy. "We don't really like dogs, we're a bit too houseproud to keep one." "I thought it was a bit strange that you turned up with a dog for the appointment" said the woman and we all burst out in fits of laughter as 'Lassie' sat there looking at us quizzically with his head tilted to one side....
We had all sat there putting up with the mayhem this stray dog was causing, all the while I was thinking they had an out of control pet and they in turn thought that I was some nutter who turned up at appointments with my half-wit dog yet nobody had said anything for fear of causing offence...
I don't know if they ever found out where the dog came from but looking back it's one of the funniest things that's ever happened to me and taught me a few lessons...The first one being 'never presume all is as it seems' secondly if a stray dog is 'having it's way with you, then have the bottle to speak up in protest and finally if some guy turns up at your house with his dog and together they start wrecking the joint just politely ask him "What the hell are you and your crazy dog doing to my house?"...
Honestly it's a true story....
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